ghafur-eraser

If I didn’t experience/feel/understand ‘wrong’ as that with which I hurt and oppress myself (whoever else I may also harm), I could do no wrong.

If I could never do all that I understand/experience/know as hurtful and oppressive towards myself, I could do no wrong.

But I found that I knew things to be wrong and yet I did them to myself (and others). And I found in myself shame and regret and despair and helplessness.

I had to make a choice again and again: either to deny/ignore/forget I did any wrong or to ask/seek/desire the erasure of my wrongdoing, to relieve me from it, to save me from myself. I found that I sought and I needed one who would erase, would forgive. If I have a maker and a sustainer, I need him to be a forgiver. And I always and only ever found him when i looked at the regret and shame I felt in the name of the forgiver. He loves to forgive apparently because he hasn’t, not yet at least, relieved me of the need to be forgiven. I remain a wrongdoer no matter how desperately (and foolishly) I seek to become purified from all wrongdoing. I often seek my purity more than I seek and bless the face of the forgiver. I do wrong even in trying to never do wrong. Such is my predicament. I must seek to return to the One who erases. Allow me, my lord, to return and celebrate you as the forgiver. you know the pains of wrongdoing I suffer. You give them to me. I would perish with guilt and despair if I did not see them as signs of your concern and compassion for me.