94:7-8

The otherness of what comes to pass through me is known to me – life, acts, thoughts, feelings, state of the heart/mind – none of it is from me. None of it can be from anything that does not have power to create these, the will to send them to me so that I find myself here and I find myself with these. It is from another, not me, and it therefore comes and tarries and leaves as per the decision of that other, the One who sustains life and deeds and thoughts and then gives them death in my eyes (life and acts and thoughts continue but some instances of it – this living thing or that thought – appears to me to die, pass away and returned to their source (where else could they possibly go?) after presenting themselves to my awareness. It is fair to say that my awareness (together of what it is aware of) returns to the source. As this awareness returns to Him – as I see the One who sustains my compassion for my father in this moment on this day – this ‘seeing’, this awareness passes back to the One who sees, the One who is aware. As I lose this awareness, become empty of it, get finished with it, there is thus what the Quran helpfully tells me is the moment of struggle. Its that feeling of disappointment that the self feels at failing to “sustain” its awareness of the source of the beauty it witnessed (nay! was allowed to witness by the One who witnesses). And in the pursuit of “keeping” or “sustaining”, by its own strength or practices etc. tries to make more permanent, more regular, more “consistent”, so that it is not “just a flash”. For me, it is helpful and true as an answer from my maker that the awareness of my sustainer is only a flash and it is perfect as that, for otherwise the self would be left to imagine it had some power or control over its awareness of its Lord, its sustainer. The self is emptied of whatever it was given and asked to labor, to struggle, to feel the absence of the anchor of all that exists – life, beauty, sustenance of all kinds, material and immaterial. This realization of the emptiness, a meaninglessness after the taste of meaning, leave me in the struggle that the Quran affirms. The soul acts on this command – struggle! I witness it in me. And it is this need, this poverty, this lack that is the perfect precursor, the perfect condition and energy, for incliding and turning towards my sustainer again! I must lose the sense of self-sustaining awareness (my “taqwa” is not mine and it returns to where it came from). The soul in need of the sustainer, perpetually in need of sustenance, the sustenance of life, of existence and most importantly, of meaning and truth, should turn to its sustainer. So I don’t complain and despair about my repeated loss of awareness, of reaching the end of my praise or my heart’s contentment every time, my inability to develop and perfect the self to always “be with God”. My lack, from which I find no escape in a world that is declining, with constant change of thoughts and deeds and the change of the heart’s condition beyond my control, i find the best mount, the best means, the best time/moment for turning honestly and truthfully to my sustainer. These verses are the spiritual workshop I come to whenever I feel the urge to take control of my piety and make it more consistent and strong. And then I realize that what I aim for is my illusion and what these verses tell me is my reality. I affirm the claims of these verses to be true for me.